For many children, their first experience with the concept of death is with a family pet. Being able to openly discuss their feelings around the death and dying of their pet is a healthier way to encourage acceptance and healing. Children may go through all or a few stages of grief that adults feel:

Denial
Crying
Bewilderment
Anger
Guilt
Depression
Attempts to rationalize loss

Additionally, children coping with grief can struggle with fear of abandonment, nightmares, insomnia, anger towards siblings/playmates, learning difficulties, and anxiety. We must remember that children’s cognition is not fully developed until the age of 25, thus their memory and perception are still maturing. Knowing the cognitive age of a child or teen can help adults know how to discuss this complicated subject. Encouraging open discussions and allowing a child to express their feelings can help them feel included and supported.

The four stages of cognitive development:

Infants and toddlers (birth-2 years)

Infants and toddlers are in the early stages of developing their understanding of the world around them through body movement and their senses. They are not yet capable of rational thinking and understanding the concept of time, nor are they able to see things from another person’s perspective, however, they are highly responsive to their caregiver’s emotions and physical changes in their environment. Infants and toddlers do not understand the meaning of death, thus they do not need to be present during a palliative consultation or euthanasia unless their family prefers them to be.

Preschoolers (age 2-5 years)

While preschoolers are developing fine motor skills, magical/fantasy predominates their thinking. They tend to feel and express emotions deeply and may need extra grief support. They tend to interpret death as temporary or reversible, often confusing it with sleeping or being away. Sometimes preschoolers believe that death is a punishment for something they did or thought.

Preschoolers sometimes want to be involved during end-of-life conversations, during which it is important to be direct and brief with terms like die or death instead of euphemisms like put to sleep. Lying to preschoolers about death is not recommended. It is common for children in this age group to be curious, asking the same questions repeatedly.

School-age (6-11 years)

Children in this age group begin to understand logic and start to see things from another person’s perspective. They begin to understand the permanence of death. Giving school-age children the opportunity to participate in their pet’s final days can help them understand what the animal is going through and can strengthen their human-animal and child-parent bonds. Presenting school-age children with the choice to be present during palliative discussions or euthanasia is recommended. Encourage questions around the process of dying of their pet, particularly in children older than 8 years.

Tweens and teens (12-18 years)

Children in this age group are further developing logical thinking and abstract reasoning skills. They understand both the physical aspects of death and the emotional impact of the loss. Tweens and teens should be given the option to participate in palliative discussions and caregiving tasks for their pet. Teens don’t always express emotions like younger children, and tend to test boundaries and independence. They are often very attached to their pet, having grown up with them. Adults should be aware of mental health issues and suicide ideation symptoms, and be prepared to engage with professional mental health services if needed.

Further support books:

Ages 2-6

I’ll Always Love You by Hans Wilhelm

Ages 4-8

Saying Goodbye to Lulu by Corinne Demas

Ages 6-9

The Day Tiger Rose Said Goodbye by Jane Yolen

Teens

Healing a Teen's Grieving Heart: 100 Practical Ideas for Families, Friends and Caregivers by Alan Wolfelt

Adults

Goodbye, Friend: Healing Wisdom for Anyone Who Has Ever Lost a Pet by Gary Kowalski
Losing My Best Friend: Thoughtful support for those affected by dog bereavement or pet loss by Jeannie Wycherley
When Your Pet Dies: A Guide to Mourning, Remembering and Healing by Alan Wolfelt
When Children Grieve: For Adults to Help Children Deal with Death, Divorce, Pet Loss, Moving, and Other Losses by John James, Russell Friedman, Leslie Mathews